Radio Citrus #10: John Kerry summons a podcast

posted in: Radio Citrus Podcast | 3

The fourth episode for 2014.  So what happens when hot girls decide to join ISIS (maybe they thought they could use it to pay for food at McDonalds)? Without giving away a spoiler, let’s just say it ends really badly for the hot girls.

Hot girls, they have problems too. They’re just like you, except they’re hot. And stupid. You know. Because they thought joining ISIS was pretty much like spring break in Miami.

It’s time again for John Kerry to summon something. He’s really out of the loop these days, with his comfy Washington, D.C. job which has him jetting around the world.

I can’t help but wonder if he has Saturday nights when he’s sitting in his economy plus seat on United, wanting to crack open a cold one, and relive the glory days of yesteryear.

Howard Dean destroys his entire life's work (2004). It's rumored John Kerry was so elated, he spit out an entire mouthful  of Boston Baked Beans candy.
Howard Dean destroys his entire life’s work (2004). It’s rumored John Kerry was so elated, he spit out an entire mouthful of Boston Baked Beans candy.

If only he could be free of his present troubles of yell at ISIS, keep the man in the White House happy, and helping Joe Biden fish his Timex watch out of the garbage disposal (again).

I bet John would love to go back to a simpler time when all he had to do was summon fire spirits on the internet, ask Sirius and XM if “Classic Soul on Channel 88” would go away if the Senate approved their merger, and make fun of Howard Dean now and again for screaming too much.

Also on the show:

  • Celebrating one of the country’s favorite, yet forgotten, holidays with John Whitecloud.
  • You need to hide yo’ kids and yo’ wife (hilarious, you don’t have a wife, lol) because e’rybody is getting run down out here. Why the Tesla D autopilot announcement is, pretty much, the end of American life, and how the rich dude is going to stick it to poor hardly working folks like you and I.
  • Also: Elon Musk is a dog person and not a cat person. Therefore, he’s a terrible person.
  • What disturbingly funny thing Portland, Oregon cyclists do when they decide to go on a leisurely ride after consuming way too many ‘shrooms.
  • If you’re to believe Diana King, shy guys aren’t very fly, but they are sexy. So if you have severe social anxiety, you better have a good kitchen broom ready, so you can shoo off the hoard of females who could descend on your apartment at any moment.
  • Yes, that one dude made an ebola joke on an airplane, and everyone panicked. But he’s not the worst person on that plane. There’s a lady who is much, much worse.
  • No, I don’t have any cookies. Next call.


3 Responses

  1. paphan

    Hey Bob,

    Thanks for devoting all that time to my call! I am actually Phalanx3891 on YouTube. You’ll notice that the “Best of Tobias Funke” video is essentially a 1:1 remake of

    Also: If you want, I can try making a new logo for Q959FM. You don’t have to take it if you don’t like it, but I’ll at least give it a shot. 🙂

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