If This Doesn’t Change, I’ll Probably Die Before I’m Thirty

posted in: Uncategorized | 2


I suffer from financially-induced anorexia.

I may have empty cabinets at home. But I may still leave grocery stores empty-handed muttering something about “prices are too high,” etc. It’s not a lack of money, but rather my stubbornness to pay more than 10 cents an ounce for anything.

After starving myself, I finally found what I thought was a solution: Go to the store hungry.

It worked! I would find myself leaving with $20 or more worth of food. My stomach would thank me. Sometimes, like a starving raccoon, I’d even dive into a bag or Oreos on my way home.

But “Oreos” is among the key words for my new problem. When I go to the store hungry, I end up buying garbage. Cookies. Frozen pizza. Cheez-Its.

I need to learn to cook real food. But I’m always too hungry to figure it out. If it takes more than 2 steps, or if I can’t pull it out of a microwave or oven in less than 15 minutes, I’m probably not going to eat it.

If I keep eating this way, I’ll probably die sometime within the next couple of years. At least all the food preservatives will cut back on embalming expenses.

2 Responses

  1. Quixotic Healer

    You need to get yourself addicted to Spaghetti.

    It only takes a few minutes to cook, and you can pour sauce from the jar (Classico) without heating it (It gets hot from the pasta).

    Or Minute rice. It takes a MINUTE! Throw on some sort of canned meat and add cream of _____ (chicken, mushroom etc.).

    Did you know you can cook a baked potato in the microwave? Wash it, poke a few holes and you're good. Add some (microwaved) frozen broccoli and cheese.

    Frozen vegetables make things easier. They're not the healthiest, but I'm trying to give you some lazy-man ideas.

  2. Natalie Marie

    okay seriously- I need to teach you how to cook, I can only live off of that junkfood pretending to be a meal crap for a week before I'm craving a good homecooked meal. How have you survived so long like this? Maybe it's a guy thing…